If you
want to get rich quick, here is the Nigerian blueprint. But please, don’t tell
anyone I “wiki-leaked”this highly-classified national secret to you.
With only
some 50 years of independent national existence, Nigeria is a country reeking
with “new money.” The overwhelming proportion of the millionaires and
billionaires in the country are “nouveau-riche;” they became rich literally
“overnight.” We are talking of people whose wealth does not go beyond a
generation. Indeed, the fantastic wealth of Nigerian billionaires like Femi
Otedola scarcely goes beyond ten/fifteen years. Not only does Nigeria’s
wealthy few have a short history, they often have a short future as well. The
money comes “miraculously” and goes just as “miraculously.”
In my
youth, S.B. Bakare was the celebrated Nigerian tycoon. Highlife stars and juju
musicians eulogised him in their records. But ask a young Nigerian today who
S.B. Bakare is, and I can bet my bottom dollar he has never heard of
him. S.B. has fallen off the radar and so has his wealth. It is not
identifiable by any major industry or enterprise. His descendants may
still be in litigation over the dregs of his estate, but undoubtedly it is
nothing to write home about again. Certainly, nobody is singing about S.B.
Bakare today. There are now new pretenders to his throne.
New
dawn
Time was
when wealthy Nigerians built something, developed something, or made something.
At that time, the rich were truly captains of industry. Alhaji Sanusi
Dantata made his fortune in the era of the groundnut pyramids in the North;
buying and shipping them for export. Sir Odumegwu Ojukwu had Nigeria’s largest
fleet of inter-city “mammy-wagons.” He also imported “panla” (dried fish) on a
large scale. Sir Mobolaji Bank-Anthony had a tanker fleet and a pioneering
charter airline. Emmanuel Akwiwu, hauled oil-rigs and supplies for British
Petroleum. Chief Timothy Adeola Odutola produced bicycle tires for the growing
army of Nigerian bike-riders.
But
thanks to oil, much of Nigerian wealth is no longer the product of such ventures.
Yes, we have billionaires like Ibrahim Dasuki and Mike Adenuga who can still be
rightfully described as highly enterprising. But even more
significantly, we have tycoons who came into wealth through “wuru-wuru”
and “mago-mago.” These men are hardly Nigeria’s Bill Gates. On the
contrary, they don’t have a clue what to do with their dubious wealth, and they
are ignorant about wealth-creation. As such, they add little of value to the
Nigerian project. Their praises may be sung today by their horde of parasitical
hangers-on, but they will not be remembered for good when they are gone. As
mysteriously as their wealth materialized, so will it vanish.
These men
became rich through some of the following tried and tested methods, which can
be relied upon to lead to one’s inclusion in the Nigerian Book of Irrelevant Rich
Men. If you want to get rich quick, here is the Nigerian blueprint. But please,
don’t tell anyone I “wiki-leaked” this highly-classified national secret to
you.
1. Rob a
bank
This
strategy has gone through some transition. Bank-robbers used to be men of the
underworld who held banks hostage at gunpoint and then made off with the cash.
However, it was soon recognised that this approach has distinct disadvantages.
You might get arrested and jailed. Even worse, you might get shot. It also
became apparent that banks carry limited amounts of cash.Therefore, a
successful bank robbery of this violent kind might only land you perhaps 50
million naira tops, which is not even enough to buy or build a house in Banana
Island. There is a better way to rob a bank with far limited risk. Simply
establish a bank.
When you
establish a bank, you can rob the bank every day without a gun. When people
deposit money in your bank, they don’t know that they are handing over their
life-savings to a thief. You then rob the bank you establish in a number of
imaginative ways. For example, you can lend money to your bank and then charge
it a very high interest-rate. Better still, you can borrow billions from your
bank and simply forget to pay it back. Or, you can use the money deposited in
your bank to buy houses and then rent them out as branches to your bank at
exorbitant prices.
This
approach is guaranteed to make you a few billion naira until the EFCC policemen
come calling. When they do, you can quickly fall sick, spend a few months in
Deluxe Hospital Hotel and then relocate to your village to enjoy your wealth,
never to be heard of again.
2. Join
the PDP.
This one
is a sure banker. As a member of the greatest party in the history of Africa,
you will be given a credit-card to spend Nigeria’s oil wealth. If you are not
getting enough attention in the party, make a lot of noise. Abuse Tinubu
on the pages of the newspapers and call Buhari an idiot. Insist that Goodluck
Jonathan should not only run for re-election unopposed in 2015, there should be
a constitutional amendment to make him a life-president. This is a tell-tale
sign that you are hungry; and the powers-that-be will soon invite you to “come
and chop.”
As a
distinguished member of this great party, the opportunities open for you to set
yourself up for life are considerable. For example, you can start collecting
billions for petroleum subsidy and simply not import any petrol whatsoever. You
can get the government to change all car license-plates nationwide; and then
become the sole supplier of the new license-plates. You can ask the president
to make you the sole importer and distributor of diesel for the entire country.
Of course, this might also entail that you become the chairman of his
re-election campaign, to which you duly make a handsome contribution.
Alternatively, you can ask to be chairman of the Nigerian Ports Authority.
Nobody
will bat an eyelid when, within a matter of months, you have a fleet of cars,
have two or three houses in Asokoro, and own four hotels in Dubai. You may even
kick out your wife and marry a fourteen-year-old “Suzie” befitting your new
status. You have arrived as one of Nigeria’s celebrated rich men. But keep your
eyes on the ball. Don’t get distracted or carried away. The enemies of Mr.
President must always remain your enemies.
3. Start
a mega-church
This one
is pure genius. Peradventure you lose your job or fall on hard times. Don’t go
into depression. Just start a church. Make it a purpose-built church. Think of
something that men need. Tell them you have the anointing to provide it. Tell
them whoever wants to be a billionaire should come to your church. Start a few
of your messages with “Thus says the Lord.” Then teach your congregation the
everlasting principles of sowing and reaping.
Make sure
they understand that if they really want God to bless them financially, they
first have to give you as much money as possible. Create a special prayer group
for millionaires and billionaires. That way, if they get any new
government contract they will attribute it to the efficacy of your prayers and
credit something big into your bank account. Tell everybody to give you their
“first-fruits.” That is a code word for their entire January salaries. Then
come up with imaginative offerings to collect, such as “prophet’s offering,”
(you, of course, being the prophet); “Father, Son and Holy Ghost offerings;” “Jesus
will do it offering.”
Very
soon, you will be flying your own private jet to preach your gospel in Ilesha;
you will be wearing white Armani suits and jerry-curling your hair; you will be
collecting gate-fees for new years’ eve services; billionaire thieves and
robbers will be queuing up to see your private-secretary on the Lagos-Ibadan
expressway; and you will be inviting Bill Clinton to open your multi-billion
naira Tower of Babylon in Osapa-London. In short, you will be living large. For
good measure, you will also be slapping demons out of poor bewitched damsels
with impunity.
4. Become
a mule
There is
high demand for this job. There are many politicians and men of timber and
caliber looking for >a>mules; men who can keep stolen money for them, or
smuggle it to safe havens abroad. This is a highly lucrative job because for
every ten billion naira you smuggle, you can pocket one billion. Don’t get
greedy and come to the conclusion that you can make off with the entire loot.
That is a sure way to have assassins on your tail. Before they kill you, they
will first break your legs. If you are caught while smuggling money abroad, you
can easily escape and come back home dressed as a woman. Then you can get a
national merit award.
If you
are a mule for a president or a governor, you are set up for life. You will get
24 hours military protection so that no petty thief can come near you. You will
get to travel all over the world. You will get free medical check-ups, so that
you don’t just fall down one day and die. That would be disastrous,
especially if your sponsor does not know exactly where you kept his loot, or if
he does not have the password to the secret account you opened for it in the
Bahamas in the name of Ali Baba.
